Friday, July 12, 2013

Taken into the Darkness.

After I've told Megan's story the next natural step would be to blog about my feelings straight after she died. It's been quite hard for me to decide to do this as I felt I should be quite honest so here goes....

The moment after Megan died I needed to keep hugging and kissing her. I needed to smell her hair and keep it in my memory and I think I did, because when I close my eyes I can feel her hair on my face. I kept some of her hair and can guarantee tears when I take it out of her memory box.

I washed and changed Megan, carefully putting the nightie she had worn all day in a plastic bag wrapped up tight to keep her smell on it, all the time thinking I wish I had chosen a prettier nightie that day...madness.

The practicalities took over for a while. We had to trawl through the 'yellow pages' for a funeral director. Not something we had thought about at all, not something you should have to for your 6 year old daughter.

It was the hardest, rawest time ever to let her go. I watched 2 smartly dressed men, who thankfully showed so much compassion, put my precious little girl into a box. SO SO WRONG.
Megan's Blossom Bunny went with her and I made them promise to look after her and I told Megan I would always love her x

We stood at the front door and watched my baby go, she disappeared into the darkness and my calmness and dignity left me.

To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. I had so many mixed emotions I wasn't sure how to handle them. I didn't want to go to bed because that meant the last day Megan was still with us would be officially ended.
There were also feelings of relief that were making me feel guilty. But my relief was for Megan, that she was free.
I also told my husband that I didn't really want to wake up tomorrow and when I went to bed I meant it and hoped and prayed that I would be taken to be with Megan.....x<a href="">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Thursday, May 9, 2013

The Hardest Things

I apologise for the graphic detail that comes near the end of this post but I think it is important for everyone to be aware of the reality of brain tumours.

As Megan had started stumbling and falling over, also constantly sleepy, we took her to the hospital.
The day we took her she was hardly responding at all. We saw her consultant who told us that she may not last the weekend. It was Friday....

He gave us two options. To admit Megan and perform a scan to see what was happening or to take her home and enjoy whatever time we had. It was a no brainer, we were not going to put Megan through anything else so after we had signed a DNR (a thing we never thought we would have to do for our child) we took Megan home.

Megan didn't last the weekend... she kept going for 10 weeks!

She became more poorly everyday. Bit by bit her body was taken over by the tumour.

She couldn't walk or hardly speak. She still could eat but very small amounts and as she was 'stable' it was decided to NG feed her. She was used to having tubes down her nose and it also helped with medicines.

Then one Sunday I was going to do 'Race for Life' and Megan started fitting.  An out of ours GP saw her and after discussion with her consultant, Megan was sedated. I was persuaded by my Husband I should still go and race, for Megan. I think I did the whole race glued to my mobile :)

After the fit Megan deteriorated further. Her eyes were permanently closed, her speech had gone, she couldn't move, in fact all she could do for herself was breathe.
She continued to have fits and was sedated twice a day to try to keep them at bay. It was so hard doing this but the kindest thing for Megan.

We had nurses visiting occasionally but because I am a nurse and my husband works in operating theatres we had the knowledge and skills to care for Megan in ways maybe other parents wouldn't be able to so I put my heart and soul into caring for her and was rewarded with smiling eyes when we opened her eyelid. We kept strong for her but hit a low point when I sat and realised I hadn't heard her voice in 4 weeks...

Her teacher visited a few times. We opened Megan's eyes so she could see her and she let out such an excited gasp! It was amazing! :)

We saw this twinkle in her eyes for a long time but 5 days before she died it disappeared. There was no reaction when we opened her eyes.

Two days before Megan died she vomited a huge amount. She had never done this previously and we took the decision that it was time to stop feeding her.
The next morning she stopped breathing but when we sat next to her on the bed the 'bounce' started her breathing again. The pressure in her brain was so great that for 2 hours that day thick, green fluid was pouring out of her nose (sorry). It was so distressing but I really don't think Megan was aware.

I slept downstairs with her that night, instead of carrying her up to bed. I didn't dare sleep. Megan's breathing was shallow and she was holding her breath. But she made it through the night and most of the following day.

Megan grew her angel wings Monday 13th September 2010 at 20.50 with us all around her ♥

Friday, April 19, 2013

Megan's Story - From me to you continues...

It was decided that you would have 6 weeks of Radiotherapy. You had to have a general anaesthetic everyday but as long as you had your cream crackers (had to be 3 and dry!!) to eat after, you were happy. You sailed through it and came back with certificates and presents, from staff and patients! on your last day.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Megan's Story - From me to you x

I wrote this shortly after Megan died. It was sort of a letter from me to her so sorry if it jumps around a bit! I typed as I had wrote it:

On a snowy night at 03.03am in March 2004 you came into the world. You were quick to be born taking everyone by surprise. I knew you would be a girl. I'm not superstitious but the 3 Magpies that I saw the day I found out I was pregnant surely meant something!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Forget me not

Hi Everyone,

Welcome to my blog, My Gorgeous Angel. It's took me a while to decide to write a blog mostly because I'm a bit of a technophobe and found myself pulling my hair out trying to set this up! But I'm doing it for my angel Megan, so she can be remembered and read about and honoured.